Lonely Doesn't Always Mean You're Alone
by Pendragon.P a s s i o n
Summary: He heard Merlin mumble something completely incoherent. Arthur flew through the air and came to land at the base of a tree. Post season2. The pressure gets to Merlin and he snaps. RRR. relax.read.review.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guyzZ...this is just a little fic Ive had in the workings for a while..its only gonna be quite short, 2/3 chappies at most maybe..plzZ review!! not much happens in this chappie but I promise some Merlin angst nd maybe a little Arthur in the nxt chappie :D thnku all for the support on Secrets. rly!! I totally mean it..I hav 45 reviews for 3chappies..nd thats a HEAP!! should be updating that soon..hopefully Like The Soil as well..dunno bout Merlin's Pain, Anhora's Game..sorta havin some trouble with that but hopefully should be updated in a bit. :D lov u all nd as always**

**ENJOY!!..**

**Disclaimer: **..shit all. that is what I own.. :D

**Lonely Doesn't Always Mean You're Alone  
by Pendragon.P a s s i o n.**

Merlin didn't turn up for work that day. Arthur woke up late wondering where in the hell his useless excuse for a manservant had nicked off to. He grumbled annoyingly and threw the covers off the bed then stood up. The idiot hasn't come in at all this morning, he thought. He thrust open the cupboard doors and chucked clothes around everywhere until he found something decent to wear; brown leggings, a red shirt and brown jacket.

With a grumpy look on his face he stride out of his chambers, slammed the door shut and marched down the hall to the Throne Room. He stopped outside the doors and took a deep breath, preparing his excuse for being late for his father's council meeting. He opened the doors and suddenly felt self conscious as his father, the Knights, counsellors, Gaius, _everyone_ turned to look at him. Before he could apologise for his late arrival his father cut in.

"Hurry up, Arthur. You're holding up the meeting." He barely looked at his son when he spoke and Arthur could tell he was thoroughly annoyed.

Arthur walked forward towards the massive oak table, "I am sorry for being late father, my idiot of a servant did not show up for work this morning."

"Never mind, we will deal with that later. At the moment we have more important matters to discuss."

Arthur's breathing was deep and steady as he tried to calm himself. Throughout the whole meeting he could tell his father was extremely angry with im being late. After he requested Arthur stay behind. He knew that it would not end well but what other choice did he have?

Uther seemed to be in a particularly bad mood and he ripped into Arthur like there was no tomorrow. Arthur, finally fed up with the way he was being treated, spoke up. Perhaps that was a bad decision for the argument ended with bad, loud words and Arthur actually walked out on his father.

Now he was back in his chambers and by the clothes everywhere and unmade bed Merlin _still_ was nowhere to be seen. Turning on his heel he exited the room, once again angry.

"Gaius!" he called out as he walked into the Physician's Chambers. The sound of jars clinking together could be heard before the old man appeared from the small upstairs.

"Sire?!" Gaius rushed down the stairs. "What can I do for you?"

Arthur sighed. "I don't suppose you would happen to know where that ineffective idiot you know as _Merlin_ is?"

"Er, I'm sorry sire. Last I saw he was heading out to attend to you."

"And when was this?"

"Early this morning, sire."

"Well," he huffed. "It appears he has disappeared off the face of the earth, though I'm not entirely sure that's a bad thing."

"Sire?"

"_Merlin_ failed to turn up to work this morning. Do you know where he might have gone?"

"I'm sorry, I would have no idea. Perhaps..."

"Yes?" He wondered why Gaius hesitated.

"Perhaps, try the lake?"

Arthur nodded thoughtfully, "He is quite fond of the lake, it's a mystery why. Thank you for your help Gaius. I'll go check there."

* * *

**as I said..its not much at all but will get better :D plz review!! :D nd Merlin will be in nxt chappie!!  
luv u all!!**

**passion.**


	2. Chapter 2

**hey!! thnx for my reviews for chappie one!!! :D i rly lov them!! :D ermm..Merlin is in this chappie...not rly a whole heap of angst but dont worry it will come..for both the warlock and the prince :D plz plz plz PLZ review!!!! :D nd..**

**ENJOY!!..**

**Chapter Two**

He just felt so..._alone_. And yet he didn't.

He was surrounded by people each and every day. People who knew him, liked him. Physically he felt suffocated, working through the hustle and bustle of the castle. Running after Arthur, attending to his every will. Since the time of the tournament, when he snapped, Gaius had lifted his load considerably and his work was not the problem. But physically, he needed to get out and be alone.

Mentally, _emotionally_ he was utterly lonely. He had so many secrets and he had to bare them alone. Yes, Gaius knew about his magic, as he did about many other things but that was the reason he cared about Freya so much. She _understood_. Understood what it was like to keep secrets that no one could ever find out about.

And he had so many secrets. His magic was only the beginning.

"Merlin!"

The young warlock jumped as he was pulled out of his thoughts. He turned to find Arthur walking towards him. Merlin sighed tiredly, he knew he was about to get it big time from the Prince.

Arthur stopped a few steps beside him and glared down. "What exactly do you think you are doing?"

"Ah," Merlin tried to think of a good excuse but then gave up. What was the point? Like Arthur would believe it. "I'm sitting."

"Really?"

"Yup." Merlin replied, trying to keep it casual.

"And..._why_ are you sitting when you should be attending to _me_? You didn't even come in this morning. My chambers are filthy and my father is absolutely furious with me because _you_ decided to come sit at the lake and do nothing instead of waking me up so that I wasn't late for my father's council meeting. But as it turns out you were, once _again_, your lazy self and thought _only_ of yourself which resulted in me being humiliated and embarrassed and trust me this does not bode well for you _Mer_lin. I'm sick of covering for you all the time just because of your laziness, so not only my father but the entire court knows it is your fault that I was late this morning and trust me, _Mer_lin, you will be spending a considerable amount of time in the stocks this week and if this kind of behaviour continues I won't hesitate to find myself a new servant!"

With each word Merlin's demeanour became smaller and more defeated. For some reason, today Arthur's angry words seemed harsher. Today Arthur's words hurt.

"Good!" Merlin suddenly stood up. "What do I care if you get a new servant? I'd be glad. Day after day I run after you, doing everything for you. I'd only feel sorry for your new servant, having to put up with you."

Unlike Arthur he didn't yell the words; in fact they came out as barely a whisper. That, and the words that were said, made Arthur stop.

Something was wrong.

Arthur's tone was soft and caring. "Merlin?"

The slim boy glared at Arthur. "What?"

"What's wrong?" he took a step forward.

Merlin averted his eyes from the Prince's and mumbled something under his breath.

"Sorry? I didn't catch that."

Merlin lifted his head. "Nothing is wrong."

He tried to turn away again but Arthur caught his shoulder.

"Merlin." Arthur's voice was stern and left no room for argument. "You know you cannot hide things from me. So tell me, what is wrong?"

Merlin sighed and Arthur knew he was about to say what his problem was, well, he thought.

"It's nothing you need to be worried about."

Arthur growled his annoyance. "Merlin!"

"Just drop it Arthur."

He tried, again, to walk away but Arthur grabbed his shoulder and spun him around. "We are not finished here."

"Yes. We are!"

"You are _not _leaving," Arthur shoved him violently and Merlin fell back, "until you tell me what is wrong!"

Merlin jumped to his feet instantly.

"It's none of your business!" Merlin, filled with annoyance, shoved Arthur back.

The Prince stood stunned for a second. No one, not a single person had _ever_ shoved him back. Then his shock rapidly flared into anger.

He jumped forward and threw a punch at Merlin, who ducked easily out of the way and sent a foot at Arthur's stomach. The blonde hunched forward slightly before charging at Merlin, tackling him to the ground. He tried to throw another punch but Merlin pushed him off and rolled out of the way. He was surprisingly strong. They both regained their feet and Merlin threw his fist Arthur's way. Again, he was too slow and it caught his cheek. Fed up Arthur instantly chucked a punch at Merlin, hit his jaw and before he could do anything Arthur punched him in the gut. Merlin tried to run at Arthur but he simply went with the force and kept Merlin's momentum going, resulting in him rolling forward. Straight into the lake. As Arthur, once again, recovered and came to his feet, he heard Merlin mumble something completely incoherent. He turned to him and thought he saw his eyes change colour before he was thrown backwards.

Arthur flew through the air and came to land at the base of a tree with a dull 'thud' and a groan.

* * *

**I know its not rly that much but its all I got atm..if the fight seems a little...too much?? just understand that Merlin is pretty much at the end of his patience with everything in his life..including Arthur nd Arthur is just pissed off..nd we all know it doesnt tak a whole lot to get Arthur worked up..**

**plz review!! i NEED ur opinions/thoughts.. :D**

**luv u all!!**

**passion.**


	3. Chapter 3

**i know. evn Im amazed at how quickly Im updating this fic!! :D blame it on my friend..she made me write more :D there will probs be 1/2 more chppies after this nd I think thatll be it. plz review!! :D **

**ENJOY!!..**

**Chapter Three**

Merlin dropped to his knees almost instantly and stared at his outstretched hand.

_What have I done? _he thought, horrified of himself.

Not only had he used magic in front of Arthur but used it...towards Arthur, _at_ Arthur.

_Oh, God! No. I'm dead. I am dead. What the heck have I done?_

The thoughts raced through the back of Merlin's mind, fighting to be the one said, all coming out in a sticky tangled web of confusion and fear. The warlock shook his head and frowned, trying to think straight.

First thing first: Arthur.

Slowly Merlin stood and made his way towards Arthur. His legs felt heavy and it was nothing to do with the water that was dripping from his sodden pants. Each step closer he took seemed like a step closer to his end.

After what seemed like forever, yet not long enough, he reached Arthur's side. He knelt beside the semiconscious Prince.

"Arthur?"

Arthur turned his head and frowned slightly. Merlin shuffled back a little bit, taking the frown as one of anger. But it wasn't. Arthur's eyes were closed and he was just conscious. Despite what had just happened when his friend said his name he sounded...frightened? And Arthur was concerned for him.

He tried desperately to hold onto the small shred of reality but he needed something else to bring him back.

Merlin edged forward a little bit. "Arthur?" he repeated but there was no response.

_Oh God. Oh my God. I killed him! I killed Arthur!_

Gently he put his hand on Arthur's neck, feeling for a pulse.

That was just the thing Arthur needed, Merlin's hand was cold from the water and to Arthur it was refreshing and just that little bit more of reality he could grasp.

Suddenly his eyes flashed open and Merlin jumped back in fright.

Arthur blinked a couple of times and sat up, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck. That and a barely audible 'ugh' were the only signs he was in any pain. He turned his head to the side to see Merlin a few steps away looking afraid. He frowned at the sight.

"Merlin? What are you...?" The question remained unasked as the full force of what just happened hit Arthur.

He was instantly on his feet. The ringing sound of steel scraping leather could be heard for miles as Arthur drew his sword. He drew it but didn't hold it defensively or offensively. He merely held it, unsure what to do. His mind was a place of confusion and uncontrolled thoughts. And Arthur didn't like that one bit.

He needed control in his life. And if the situation he was in was _very_ uncontrolled then he at lease needed control of his own head. He took a deep breath and cleared his mind.

"How long?" he asked suddenly.

"What?" came Merlin's choked reply. He was finding it hard to form words at the moment.

Arthur thought deeply. Merlin was practically his best friend, though he would never willingly admit that to him it was true. He could not just jump to conclusions and hand him over to his father under suspicion for sorcery. At _least_, he had to give Merlin a chance to explain himself before that happened. _If_ it happened.

"How long have you been using magic?"

Merlin suddenly seemed to find the ground an excitingly curious place as he dropped his eyes and looked at it. He had been expecting Arthur to completely freak out and hand him over to Uther straight away, no questions asked. After all, that thought alone had been stopping from telling Arthur about his magic. Now, it seemed, that single thought that controlled so many of his actions was wrong.

"I, er..."

"Spit it out, _Mer_lin! I haven't got all day."

"Since I was born." He kept his voice low, as if that alone would stop the seriousness of what he was saying.

"What?"

Merlin sighed. "I never studied magic, I never was taught. I was born with it. That's why I left Ealdor. Will found out and when my mother knew that he knew she thought it was too dangerous to stay at home, I knew Will wouldn't tell anyone though. Anyway, when I arrived at Camelot I..." he hesitated. He didn't know of Arthur was planning to hand him over to Uther and if he was he didn't want Gaius to be involved. So he chose his words carefully. "I found a magic book, with spells and...power from the Old Religion." A small, wistful smile was short lived on Merlin's lips before he moved on.

"I can't help the way I am Arthur. I can't stop it, believe me, sometimes I've wanted nothing more than to be like everyone else but I'm not. It runs too deep for me to just stop using it, it is really impossible for me to do that. My magic, it's a part of me."

Arthur took a second to come to terms with this news, ten his curiosity lead the way. "When we were fighting Kanen, in Ealdor and Will said he was the sorcerer...?"

Merlin shook his head. "He was protecting me. He was dying and he knew it so he took the blame. And honestly Arthur, if I had've spoken up, would you have believed me?"

Arthur sheathed his sword and moved to sit next to Merlin. "So that time when Gwen was accused of using magic, and you burst into court like a right fool yelling that it was you...it really was you?"

"Of course. I wasn't just about to let Gwen get executed because of me."

Arthur shook his head. "And to think I thought you loved her..."

"She's only ever had feelings for you," Merlin said softly.

Arthur ignored that comment and quickly changed the subject before Merlin got onto his _feelings_. Gods, there was nothing worse than when Merlin started about him and Gwen.

"What else have you used your magic for?"

Merlin sighed and Arthur had a feeling they were going to be here for quite some time.

Merlin told him.

The first time he'd saved Arthur's life, slowing down time so he could pull him out of the way of Mary Collins' knife, the Great Dragon, making the snakes on Knight Valiant's shield come alive, saving Gwen's dad, Tom, from the disease in the water, killing the afanc that was making the disease in the water, helping Lancelot kill the griffin, saving Gaius and Uther from Edwin, killing Edwin, what really happened with Arthur eloping with Sophia, killing Sophia and Aulfric, making Excalibur, the truth about Morgana's reaction to Tom's death and what Merlin did to save Uther from being assassinated, how it wasn't really 'all thanks to Gaius' that Arthur survived the bite of the Questing Beast, what happened to Cedric and killing Cornelius Sigan.

He thought it best not to tell Arthur that he made Myror's saddle come lose in the joust. If Arthur thought Merlin had helped him win he would go through the whole 'I have to prove myself' thing again, and once was enough for Merlin.

And so the list carried on, he told Arthur of Morgana's powers as a seer and sending her off to the Druids, shutting the gate of the cage so Arthur, Gwen, Lancelot and himself could escape without being eaten by a wildren, using his magic to try and find out the truth about Lady Katrina, what he was _really_ doing in Arthur's chambers in the middle of the night, how he was really the one that made the smoke turn into a horse, also how he made the Witchfinder cough up a frog right on cue, using his magical senses to know which way to go when they were searching for the renegade camp that 'stole' the Crystal of Neathid, all the things he tried to wake Gaius up when Morgause put Camelot to sleep and, almost finally, him releasing the Great Dragon.

* * *

**plz do tell if I missed out on any of Merlin's Magical Accomplishments..I wrote this at 2am nd I just ran through all 26 eps in my head so Im bound to miss out a few things.. :D lol..i know theres no Freya, or killing Morgana...that shall came later resulting in a whoole lotta angst :D YAY FOR ANGST!!!! :D PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**luv u all..**

**passion.**


	4. Chapter 4

**ANOTHER quick update!! :D this is lik a record for me :D but blame my friend..its all her fault *glares evilly at Kelly coz she made me stay up all nigt to write* :D last chappie I said 2/3 more chappies but it has sorta taken a different turn to wt I originally planned *yes..I actually DID plan for once.. :D* so honestly..I havent got a clue on how long this is gonna be :D..this chappie is kinda wen most of the angst starts *yay!for angst!!*..**

**ENJOY!!..**

**Chapter Four**

"You what?!"

Merlin turned his head away from Arthur, ashamed.

"You. _You_ released the Dragon! So that's why you said you were 'sorry'? And I...Merlin!" Arthur stood and began pacing. "Do you know how many lives were lost because of the beast?"

Merlin nodded as he recalled the countless times he heard Arthur telling his father the damage to the castle and people over the days the Dragon attacked. 

_Dead: forty-nine men, twenty-seven women, a further eighteen woman and children are unaccounted for. _Most_ of last night's fires are now out. Castle walls, in particular the western section is about to collapse, it could go on.*_

"I'm sorry," Merlin looked up at him. "I _really_ am but I had no choice. If I didn't promise to release the Dragon he would not have told me how to lift the enchantment when Camlelot was asleep."

"You didn't have to keep your promise!"

Merlin stood in rage. "Just like you didn't have to keep yours with Morgause! I _had_ to. I swore on my mother's life!"

"Well what did you do that for?"

"Because he didn't believe me! If I didn't Camelot would have fallen."

"Wait a minute." Arthur's voice quietened dramatically. "You said you promised to release it if it told you how to lift the enchantment. You mean, _you _saved Camelot?"

"Kind of," Merlin dropped his gaze for about the tenth time that day.

"What do you mean 'kind of'?" Arthur knew that look on his servant's face anywhere. He was feeling guilty. "Merlin?"

"Never mind, Arthur."

"Merlin! What are you looking so God-damned guilty about?"

"Nothing, Arthur. Just leave it...please?"

The way Merlin seemed to be pleading would have been enough for anyone to stop asking, but not Arthur. He was determined to figure out what Merlin had done, after all, it couldn't have been worse than being a sorcerer in Camelot and then keeping it a secret from Arthur.

"Merlin, what happened? Was it something the Dragon said?"

It was clear there was an internal battle going on inside Merlin and finally he raised his head and took a deep breath. "Ok, I'll tell you."

Arthur had heard those words once before from Merlin, when they were looking for Balinor. Even though Merlin told him what was wrong, at the time he sensed that being worried about everyone in Camelot was not the whole story. He feared this time would be the same. He feared Merlin would keep hiding things from him. Arthur was brought back to the present with a deep, regretful sigh from Merlin.

"We arrived back at Camelot and found everyone asleep. And when we figured out what to do with the King, disguise him as a servant, I went to go get clothes for him, remember?"

Arthur nodded, "You took forever."

"I know. That's because I went down to the Great Dragon. At first I thought he was asleep to but he wasn't. I asked him what was going on, how to lift the enchantment. But," Merlin shook his head. "He would not tell me a thing. He said that, he would not help me again until I released him. I promised him I would release him but he said he no longer trusted my promises so I swore on my mother's life. You see, Arthur I had no choice. He knew I would keep to my word, I mean, she's all I have." He paused, gaining his thoughts, trying to figure out the best way to approach the next thing. "He told me that to cast a spell to put the kingdom to sleep was easy but sustaining it was the hard part. The spell needed a human vessel to work, someone that stayed around...but wasn't affected."

Merlin paused again, looking to see if Arthur was receiving the underlying message. Obviously he wasn't. Reluctantly, so very reluctantly Merlin carried on.

"Morgause was obviously responsible for the enchantment..." he shook his head, getting back on track, trying not to get too far ahead of himself. "Remember how Morgana wasn't affected? And we said it was because of the potion that Gaius gave her?"

"Yes."

"And how when I first said it you seemed...uncertain?"

Arthur simply nodded.

"Gaius never gave her a potion." he blurted out quickly.

The young Prince looked at him suspiciously, "What are you saying?"

"Somehow Morgause made it so that Morgana was the vessel. It was the reason why she was not affected."

"What?! Why didn't you tell me?"

"What would I have said? 'Oh, while we are looking for a place to hide Uther it might interest you to know that I went to speak with the Great Dragon and he said that Morgana is the reason this enchantment is so strong and the only way to lift it is to kill her! Anyway, carry on.'"

"What?"

Merlin stared in horror as he realised what he just let slip and he sighed. "The only way to lift the enchantment was for Morgause to do it or destroy the vessel."

"Couldn't you have done something?"

"I already told you, I tried! The spell was too powerful. Anyway, I told Morgana that it was probably because of her magic that she seemed to be immune and she, of course, believed me. So, not wanting you to know about her magic, she went along with the story that Gaius gave her a potion." Merlin turned and stared out across the calm water of the lake, such a contrast to the mixed confusion he was inside. "So I was left with a choice. Wait it out until the Knights of Idirsholas found and killed us, waited until we were too weak to do anything, wait until Camelot fell...or destroy the source of the magic. So I went back to mine and Gaius' chambers an found a bottle of Hemlock, tucked away in a corner." Merlin took a deep breath before going any further.

"When...after you went out to fight the Knights and left us Morgana said 'he can't go out there. It's suicide!' and that decided it for me. I told her to start tearing up the sheet so we could tie it to Uther and as she did...I poured the Hemlock into the water skin. I offered her a drink but she said no, so I kept asking and the whole time I was silently begging her to say 'no' and each time she did. It was all so wrong, I knew it was! But I held out the water and asked her once more...and she took it from my hands and said 'thank you'. She took a large amount, obviously she was thirsty, and I turned my back. I couldn't bear to watch."

Tears began streaming freely down Merlin's features and he made no effort to remove them. "She began to find it hard to breath and I could hear her...choking on air, desperate for oxygen but there was nothing she could do. Her airways began to close up. I knelt down beside her and she tried to fight away, knowing that I had poisoned her but she became too weak from the lack of air and she gave up. I held her...I held her so tightly, wishing she didn't have to go but there was nothing else I could do!" Merlin screamed the last words and hey echoed, bouncing off the water in front of him. "All I kept thinking was 'I killed her. I killed Morgana, my _friend_!' but then Morgause came in. I don't know how but she knew Morgana was dying and she told me to tell her what I did. And I wanted so desperately to, so that she could be saved...but I didn't. I told her to lift the enchantment or I would not say. And she did.

"Just like that, it was gone. I gave her the empty bottle of Hemlock and that's when you came in and she disappeared, Morgana with her." Merlin brought up his hand and wiped away the tears on his face. He turned, slowly, to Arthur, forcing himself to look him in the eye.

He wished he hadn't. Arthur's eyes were filled with pain and fear and they shone with unshed tears. Then he lashed out, punching Merlin straight in the jaw.

Merlin made no attempt to avoid the attack. He deserved it, he knew he did. Unless Morgause did some _serious_ work he had practically killed Morgana. She was basically Arthur's sister and ever since that day he had been blaming himself for not protecting her when it was all Merlin's fault.

"Arthur."

Merlin was again looking at the ground and whispering but at that moment Arthur wanted nothing to do with Merlin.

"You _bastard_!" he hissed.

The words stung Merlin harshly but he knew Arthur was simply taking out his rage. He knew that deep down Arthur knew if he had've been in the same position he would have done exactly the same thing. What other option was there?

* * *

***Belongs to respective owners, BBC and Shine. From season 2 episode 13, The Last Dragonlord. I think thats pretty much what our dear Arthur says...just off the top of my head nd once again Im too lazy to check :D**

**so that was it!! :D PPLLLEEEAAAASSSEEEE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!! u no I practically liv off reviews!! :D plz tell wt u think nd also if u want to see Merlin address a particula event..dont worry..Freya WILL come into it..nd I promise angsty angst wen that happens :D**

**plz review, luv u all.**

**passion.**


	5. Chapter 5

**My internet is going rly rly slow atm so i haven't had the chance to reply to all my awsumm reviews lik i usually do so..**

**unicorndiva, ruby890, tinkerbelle22, JibsonFriend, MerlinStar, imagine2202, peanutmeg, CrayonsPink, sarahelizabeth1993, Maria, Silvertongued Wolf, HMemma546 and anyone I might have missed AND everyone else hu reads/reviews/favs/alerts..**

**THANKU ALL SOOOO MUCH FOR REVIEWING!!!!! :D Im so glad u r liking this fic :D..also to TeeHee/Hmm aka KELLY!! U rok!! U do realise if it wasn't for u pestering me I wouldn't evn be past chapter one!!!! Lol..nd I lov COOKIES!! :D **

**ENJOY!!..**

**Chapter Five**

The two stared at each other for ages. After calming down and getting over the initial shock Arthur knew he would have done the same thing. He knew Merlin was not to blame and he knew...well, he hoped that wherever Morgause took Morgana she was safe and well. And somehow he knew that was the case. But even so, he became his grief and he told himself that he doubted if he could ever forgive Merlin for doing such a thing, yet somehow he felt there had never been anything to forgive. Arthur shrugged away his confused emotions and addressed the pale man in front of him.

"Merlin, I-" he began to apologise but Merlin stopped him.

"No. You have every right. She was like a sister to you and I..."

"It's ok Merlin."

Merlin swallowed heavily and a mutual understanding passed between them.

Arthur looked up at the sun which was beating down heavily on them. "It's well past midday, maybe we should start heading back to the castle."

But Merlin simply shook his head and sat down at the water's edge. "You can go if you want. I'm going o stay here for a while."

Arthur, inaudibly, sighed. After everything that had been said there was _still_ something wrong with Merlin, so he seated himself next to him and peered up at the ice-capped mountains far off in the distance, across the lake.

"It's a beautiful sight," he declared after minutes of silence. "I can understand why you like it here so much."

Merlin closed his eyes. _You could never understand_, he thought. Then he realised those were the same words, the _exact_ same words that she said to him. All those weeks ago, in the tunnels under the castle. Each day since _that_ day Merlin felt he had barely lived. Each day he awoke to pain, nothing more, nothing less. What if things had been different? What if that sword, that single sharpened piece if insignificant steel failed to reach its target just that one time? He knew then he had to tell Arthur. Not so the Prince could feel guilty, not for attention but because he did not want secrets anymore. She told him the he could never understand and he had misunderstood what she was talking about understanding. He found out too late what the curse _actually_ was.

He opened his eyes to find Arthur still staring wondrously at the mountains.

"Do you remember that druid girl?"

The question was so random and quiet that Arthur almost missed it, but something in Merlin's tone told him this was an extremely closely guarded subject and his ears perked as soon as he opened his mouth.

"What druid girl?"

If it was not so depressing Merlin could have smiled, trust Arthur not to remember. "With that bounty hunter, Halig?"

"Yes," as realisation dawned on Arthur.

"Her name was Freya."

Arthur gave Merlin a bewildered look. "And you know because...?"

Merlin took a deep breath, "Because I helped her escape."

His eyes widened in shock. He was brimming with newly found questions and accusations but he held his tongue and waited for Merlin to talk. Something told him that this was hard for Merlin to speak about.

Merlin was silent for so long that Arthur started when he finally spoke.

"Gaius and I were called down to a villager's house, the man had fallen ill, nothing serious though. On our way back up to the castle we passed the Rising Sun Tavern*and outside was this cage with this girl. Gaius told me that she had fallen prey to a bounty hunter and I looked at her. The look in her eyes...she was terrified. " A lone tear leaked from Merlin's eye and he didn't seem to notice as he soldiered ahead. "She knew she was going to be executed but she didn't beg, she barely even asked for help," he thought back to how she lunged forward at the bars of the cage, "but she was so scared. I knew that I couldn't just leave her but Gaius told me not to get involved.

"So after we returned, and Gaius was sleeping, I went back and broke her out of the cage. Used magic to break open the shackles around her wrists and I lead her down to the tunnels underneath the castle. She wore only a dress and it was torn and barely could be classified as clothing so I gave her my jacket but she jumped back. Even after I saved her she still was afraid. She seemed so fragile, so broken on the inside but her outer walls still shielded her well. She was like...no one I'd ever met before. The next day I brought her candles and food."

A small smile played on Merlin's mouth though it barely reached his eyes.

"Your food." He stated simply and in two words Arthur knew that Merlin never did think he was fat. He wasn't stealing the food to keep him in shape and Arthur decided then that Merlin definitely needed punishment for those few days. But not now.

"She told me that she was cursed and I thought it was because she had magic." Merlin became a little uncomfortable speaking about magic so openly to Arthur, he still didn't know whether they stood on the same ground on that topic. But he only hesitated briefly. "I showed her that magic isn't something to be afraid of, that it can be used for good. I didn't even take the time to question if that was why she thought she was cursed. I just assumed and I was wrong. I told her about Ealdor, a few fields, couple of cows, nothing special," he recited the same words he told Freya, "and she told me about her home. Next to a lake, surrounded by the tallest of mountains. The waters were wild and unpredictable in the winter but in the summer wild flowers grew and everything was perfect. But her family died and she was left alone in the world."

He wrapped his arms around his legs after shrugging them up to his chest, then continued.

"One day Halig almost found us. They were searching the tunnels, in all the bare chambers filled with rubble. We hid and she was shaking and crying. She was the most scared I'd ever seen her. Being captured once was more than enough. Halig was an animal and treated his prisoners even worse than animals. I don't know how anyone could treat her like that. She was so pure and...innocent. But something wasn't right. Every time I got a little bit more out of her she retreated back and kept saying she didn't deserve it and I didn't know why. She was the best thing to ever happen in my life."

A small, longing smile appeared on his features. "We were going to run away together. Find a place near a lake with small fields, mountains, cows, flowers...everything. She had so much to give to the world. So I went and stole one of Morgana's dresses, to disguise her so she could sneak out."

Merlin saw as Arthur understood another thing and he changed subjects for a second. "I did tell you that dress was not for Gaius or me but you just jumped to the most farfetched possibility you could think of didn't you?"

Arthur smiled. "How was I supposed to know? All I knew is you seemed to be sneaking around with a dress that you said wasn't for Gaius. So I assumed that..."

"Well, I guess we both assumed wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"Freya was cursed. I mean, _literally_ cursed. A witch cursed her so that she was forced to kill people. At night she turned into this big black...cat."

Arthur closed in eyes in guilt as he realised the meaning of Merlin's words. He remembered all too well the beast that was terrorising the lower town. How he and his knights faced it, cornered it one night and he had been so lucky as to land it a fatal blow.

"Merlin," he murmured but he was ignored.

"I brought her down here, to the lake. Right over there," he pointed a few metres over to the right. Tears were now streaming freely down his face. "But there was nothing I could do," he choked out. "I couldn't save her. I didn't want her to go...but she told me I had to let her. And I...she never...we were supposed..."

Merlin's words were lost in his frame racking sobs and it was all Arthur could do to put an arm around his shoulders and wait. Eventually Merlin sniffled.

"She died in my arms, a small smile on her face. She was happy. And that's what I keep telling myself, over and over, that at least she was happy and now she can be with her family but it's not fair. I only knew her for a few days but I loved her, with everything I had and she was taken from me too quickly. I keep thinking, what is the point of my magic? I have so much power, beyond what most people know and what's the point if I couldn't use it to save her. I wish sometimes that I didn't have magic, then maybe I would not feel so guilty but I know I still would. She tried to tell me earlier that she was cursed and I just brushed it off, jumped to conclusions. If I had've known before, if I had taken the time to listen then maybe...just maybe I could have helped her, found some way to lift the curse. Then she wouldn't have died. And we could be living happily together now."

"Merlin. I am..._so_ sorry. I didn't know, I swear I had no idea. If I had known I would have never..."

"I know. I don't blame you. I just get so..._frustrated_ with myself. My destiny is to help you become a great King and the number of times I've saved your life are uncountable but you seem to be the only one I can save. My magic doesn't help anyone else. I've already lost three people I love, and I do not want to lose another. I need to become more powerful than I am so that I _don't_ lose anyone else because if I do...I don't know if I could handle it."

Arthur stayed quiet for a while, knowing Merlin's words were nothing but the truth. They weren't said to make him feel bad, they were said simply because they were true. Perhaps they both had to lose loved ones, only to be remembered as the little people along the road to becoming a great King and warlock. Then something clicked.

"Merlin. What do you mean you've lost three loved ones?"

Merlin nodded. He knew, one day, he would have to tell Arthur about Balinor, he just didn't think so soon.

* * *

***thats lik..about the only thing Ive double checked on for this whole fic..lol :D i was sitting here a lik..1:27am nd Im thinking OMG I KNOW THIS!! Wt the hell was that place called nd suddenly im all THE GREEN LANTERN!! Lol..then Im all..no way..nnnoooo wwwaaayyyy..then i thought of it but coz of my previous guess *seriously WTF??? Green lantern????* i thought I should check :D**

**Im so soz if u didn't think this chappie was all that great..i know its practically just Merlin retelling wt happened in ep8 but I feel thats just wt he needed to do. U no?? Just tlk..get it all out..it also has NOT been edited..I havent evn read over to see if it makes sense so if it doesnt Im so soz. but I just chucked this together in bout 20 in the early hours of the morning so..**

**plz review!!!!**

**passion.**


	6. Chapter 6

**once again Im so sorry for the confusion on the last chapter!! I figured out wt actually happened. My friend pointed out a few typos so I went to fix them nd wen I reuploaded the edited chapter..thats wen I clicked the wrong document :D but this is the last chapter so plz do, as always, **

**ENJOY!!..**

**Chapter Six**

"Do you remember when I told you I never knew my father?"

Arthur nodded.

"Well, I found him."

Surprise was instantly plastered onto Arthur's features. "What! When? How come you didn't tell me?"

"I couldn't, at the time. Gaius told me not to tell you in case you told Uther."

"Why would my father be interested in yours?" he asked, then added offhandedly, "No offence or anything but..."

"Because Balinor is...was my father."

"What?" Arthur asked in that same tone he used when Aredian **(A/N no idea how to spell that..?????) **accused Merlin of sorcery. That 'surely you _have _to be joking' tone.

Now it was Merlin's turn to nod. "I didn't even know..." he gathered his thoughts. "When I was packing, to go find him, Gaius asked me if I'd ever heard his name before. Honestly, I had no idea what he was on about, why would I have heard the name 'Balinor' before? But he told me that when the King decreed sorcery illegal he hunted down the Dragonlords for their art was too close to magic. Gaius and Balinor were friends and Gaius helped him escape out of the kingdom. Gaius, obviously, stayed in Camelot but my father went to Ealdor and met my mother. They were happy but only for a short time. Your father sent Knights after him, hunting him down and he was forced to live in that cave, in hiding. When Gaius told me that Balinor was my father I...I didn't know what to think. That is why I was so quiet when we were travelling."

"Hmm," Arthur agreed. "And on the rare occasions you did speak you tended to talk rubbish, as usual." He grinned at Merlin and they both remembered a familiar conversation while they were searching for the Crystal of Neathid. **(A/N again..no idea how to spell)**

Arthur pulled them out of their small reminiscing session **(A/N i no i no lik 3rd authors note but just then I was ssooo tempted to write about 'memory lane' lol :D kk..bk to story :D) **and asked, "Did he know you?"

Merlin shook his head. "When you were unconscious, after we arrived, he asked me who we were and I told him, my name was Merlin, hoping it would mean something to him but...nothing. When he refused to help I asked him if he would let Camelot fall? Would he leave so many innocent people to die simply because of something the King had done? And each time he refused to help so I said, 'what if one of them was your son?' and he told me he didn't have a son. He did not even know I existed!"

"So when did you tell him?"

"When he caught up with us."

"When? You two barely had a moment alone."

"Soon after he got there, you were doing a quick check around for anyone we might not want to run into and we were collecting firewood. I told him then." He thought back to the moment.

_Merlin stood up from where he was searching for wood. "You mentioned...you spoke of Ealdor. You took refuge with a woman."_

_ "That was a long time ago." _

_Balinor suddenly looked a little uncomfortable but Merlin persisted._

_"I grew up there."_

_"Ealdor?"_

_"Yes. I know the woman."_

_"Hunith? She's still alive?"_

_"Yes, she's my mother."_

_The Dragonlord's face dropped slightly, "Then she married? That's good."_

_"She never married."_

_Balinor looked up at him questioningly._

_"I'm your son."_

_The two wore completely different expressions. Balinor's; filled with a sudden intense love, only a few little lines to show his confusion. Merlin's showed a deep longing and fullness that only finding something you thought you would never find can give you._

_"I don't know what it is to have a son." Balinor said, plainly and truthfully._

_Merlin smiled a little, chuffed that his father hadn't turned him down or rejected him. "Or I a father."_

Arthur's regret filled sigh brought him back to the present.

"I'm sorry Merlin."

The warlock shook his head in perplexity. "What for?"

"For what I telling you no man is worth your tears."

"It's alright. You didn't know."

Arthur voice suddenly became louder and it severely contrasted with Merlin's. "How can you be like that?"

"I don't know. I have felt angry and really wanted to kill you at times but...I know you Arthur and you would never do that to anyone intentionally. With Freya, you were only trying to protect your people and, at the time, your Knights and that in itself is a noble thing. And with Balinor, I know you were only trying to help. As much as you may deny it I know you care and you were worried about me."

It was scary, Arthur thought, how sometimes Merlin seemed to be reading the lines written on his soul. Merlin knew so much about him but he was only just beginning to find out about the real Merlin. **(the real Merlin and Arthur..YAY!! Bradley James with stubble..w00t!!!..lol...'Professor Morgan' :D)**

"I think we really should be getting back Merlin." He noticed the darkening sky. "My father will kill me for disappearing as it is, I would rather not know what he would do if I arrived back after dark. Besides, Gaius will be worried about you." Arthur stood and brushed off the back of his legs.

"What are you going to do?" Merlin asked quietly, standing as well.

"Well, I'll go to my father and tell him that it wasn't actually your fault for being late this morning but if it happens again Merlin I _will_ put you in the stocks. Though you seem to have a strange likeness for them...hmm...maybe you can just muck out my stables instead."

"I meant...about me having magic."

Arthur did not even miss a beat. "You'd better not get caught because that would cause a great load of trouble, wouldn't it?" And with that he strode off in much happier spirits than when he arrived.

Merlin simply followed, smiling as he realised Arthur understood so much more than he thought.

Smiling as he realised he didn't need to be lonely anymore.

End.

* * *

**so please do review!! tell me wt u thought..personally I fell quite proud coz this is my first multi-chapter fic that Ive actually finished!! :D so thats pretty spesh :D**

**but please do tell me ur thoughts..u all no how much i lov them!! :D**

**passion.**


End file.
